Happy holidays everyone! Welcome to my Christmas Page! This page is going to have to be two pages, because I will be putting some potentially offensive material on the second page. Enjoy!
Things To Do To Confuse
Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Oh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Top Ten Reasons Why Santa Is Asking For A Raise
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.
9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.
8. Reindeer and elves have unionized, driving up his cost.
7. New tax on flying sleighs.
6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.
5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.
4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.
3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.
2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.
And the number one reason is........
1. The Mrs. told him to.
Cats' Top Ten Christmas Songs
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye
Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
Political Christmas Guide
Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Interview With Santa By Tokyo Reporter
A few weeks ago one of our reporters made a phone call to Jolly Old St. Nick at the North Pole. We hope our exclusive telephone interview will help brighten your pleasant, wholesome holiday season.
Elf answering phone: Well hello there! This is the North Pole. Say, is this an adorable child calling for Santa?
T.T.: Ah, no. This is a magazine reporter from Tokyo. I was-
Phone Elf: Another one! Geez. Hey Chip, I just got another reporter! Yeah pal, what can I do ya for?
T.T.: Well I was wondering if I could speak with Santa Claus for a few minutes...?
Phone Elf: Chip, I'll betcha can't guess why he called.... Okay pal, hold your reindeer, er.. horses.
(Put on hold) ("Hold music" is Jingle Bells, performed by the barking dogs.)
Bartender Elf: (Click) North Pole Pool Hall. This is Ralph. (music in background) We're kinda busy so make it snappy.
T.T.: ... Umm.. I'm, ah, trying to call Santa Claus?
Bartender Elf: That's Mr. Claus, if youse don't mind. Yeah well he's busy testing out a new snooker table. Should be a big hit this year. Of course it's only for the good boys and girls you understand. -Oh, hold on. You're in luck, he's comin' this way. ...Santa, another one of Mrs. Claus' special egg nogs?
Santa: That Rudolph sure is lucky today! I can't believe
he keeps beating me.
Bartender Elf: Well, here's a little somethin' to deaden the pain. Oh and ah, someone on the phone here wants to speak with you.
Santa: Not the FAA again!
Bartender Elf: Ah naw, it sounds like one of those reporter-types. You know, kinda pushy, cheap suit and probably as liberal as the amount of soot in a chimney. ...Anyway here's the phone.
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! How can I help you?
T.T.: Santa, is this really you?
Santa: Yes sonny, it's me. Have you been good this year?
T.T.: Oh yes, of cour-, I mean, well pretty good I guess. As much as the next, umm... Ahh, well compared to my publisher I haven't been too bad...
Santa: Well, well, that's just splendid then. Ho, ho, ho!
T.T.: Say, Santa, I realize you're pretty busy this time of year but I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions. See, I'm a reporter for Tokyo Today Magazine.
Santa: Yes. That would be fine. Oh hold on a minute. One of my accounting elves just brought a few papers for me to sign.
Bean Counting Elf: Yep, there and there. ...Press hard while signing please. There are 4 copies, Santa. ...Okay. Oh and this one's just a little R & D project. Go ahead and just sign -
Santa: Oh, now hold on. This is the same project that I disapproved last year.
B.C. Elf: Oh, but they assured me that-
Santa: Ho, ho. I don't know where you elves get your ideas from. Developing this line of string lingerie for Barbie just isn't ... quite...
B.C. Elf: But Santa, the boys in R & D are willing to put in some of their own time on this project. Mr. Claus, sir, we all feel that the benefits would…
Older Woman's Voice: (Click) Oh, hello? Hello? Is someone already on this line?
Santa: Yes dear, I'm using this one.
B.C. Elf: It's a low appropriation...
Mrs. Claus: Oh Santa, since you're on the line here - could you talk to those elves down in the bakery? It seems that someone's been biting the gingerbread toes off again. I wish they'd stop that.
Santa: Of course dear. Oh sweetheart, I'm on the phone with a reporter right now. So maybe we can talk about it later.
Mrs. Claus: Certainly dear. And remember to tell those reindeer to do their calisthenics. They've only got a few weeks to get in shape, you know. They need to work off those big deer-bellies in a hurry!
Santa: Yes dear, I understand.
Mrs. Claus: Dear, try not to let Rudolph's nose get too red today. And the sleigh would be a lot lighter if you'd stick to that diet-
Santa: Ahem. Ah, yes dear. Good bye now.
Mrs. Claus: Well okay. I won't worry then. See you later dear. (Click)
Santa: We'll discuss these papers later. I need to answer this reporter's questions. Ahem, I'm sorry young man. Now, where were we?
T.T.: Oh, well Santa - I was saying that I know how busy you are, and…
Bartender Elf: Say Santa, Rudolph's lookin' kind of bored over there. And I think he wants a rematch. ...Hey Rudie, a couple more of those 'nogs and Santa might start catchin' up. Whoa, tone down that nose! Hey Santa, isn't he supposed to save that for-
T.T.: Ah Santa - my first question - what about in Japan, the lack of chimneys, is this-
Santa: Tell Rudolph to warm up his cue and rack the balls.
Bartender Elf: Yeah, you been on the phone for a long time now....
T.T.: Ah, Santa, is it true that you're going to use a more aerodynamic sleigh this year? We've received some unconfirmed reports that M.I.T. has been under contract to-
Santa: Ho, ho ho... well, let's just say that- Oh, hold on a moment. One of my maintenance elves here has a quick question. Yes...
Maintenance Elf: Santa, those expensive graphite runner blades aren't tracking right. And we're a little worried about the lack of friction in the first place. Your sleigh might just coast right off some of those short condo roofs. Can we show you our scale model and the computer simulation we've got running down in maintenance?
Santa: Oh, well, I-
Bartender Elf: Santa , that reporter's been on the phone with you a long time. Hey, and Rudolph's ready. Right now, look over there, see?
T.T.: Ah Santa, can I ask just one ques-...?
Maintenance Elf: Santa, just a couple of minutes in maintenance. Then you can get back to this new type 'ah pool game you been playing down here.
Santa: Ho, ho!, - well I'm afraid I have to go now. I'd like to talk longer, but.. Well, you know how busy things are these days.
T.T.: Ah, I...
Santa: And you tell everyone to have a MERRRRY CHRISTMASSS!! (Click)
Does Santa Exist?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding & etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-lb. Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
This inquiry is based on the premise that there is only one Santa Claus. The calculations work out more realistically if you assume some form of parallel processing. A thousand Santas (1 kilosanta) or a million (a megasanta) or more, working in parallel, could perform the same number of visits in the same allotted time with less advanced technology (and fewer vaporized reindeer).
Who does the air traffic control for a megasanta? A million sleighs and 12 million reindeer occupy a significant amount of airspace. If we assume that each reindeer team, sleigh and Santa needs no more than 5 feet of vertical airspace (which, given that known species of reindeer with antlers are quite nearly five feet tall, leaves very little room for error), then a megasanta requires almost 947 miles of vertical airspace. This also disregards the fact that each Santa must make frequent landings. The airspace at chimney level will be in high demand and disproportionately crowded, particularly as Christmas-celebrating households tend to be densely clustered in the same geographic areas. It seems likely that a megasanta, while perhaps avoiding vaporized reindeer, would suffer huge casualties from in-air collisions.
The response to the analysis from a scientist
The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is, as you say, essentially east to west.
All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An elementary application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle yields the result that Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is "smeared out" over the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an electron is "smeared out" within a certain distance from the nucleus in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given moment.
In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black holes, and who really doubts their existence anymore?
Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish "study".
1) Flying reindeer: As is widely known (due to the excellent historical documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"), the flying reindeer are not a previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no-punches pulled look at life in Santa's village), this ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer, obviously the magic acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA strand.
2) Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches (currently called the Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction for liturgical events, and their Christmas is, as a result several days after the Western Churches. Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.
Second, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like rabbits. If you don't believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters, they'll back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households, the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard deviation from the median. Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed integrally, there are a significant number (on the order of several million) of one child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously spoiled and therefore disproportionately inclined towards being naughty, since it's the holidays we'll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of being nice. This removes one half of the single child households from Santa's delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of Orthodox households from the first delivery run.
3) Santa's delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name "Santa" is obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/Italian background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets of the Burgermeister's guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of the Prussian influence in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one hundred years. If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North Pole with nights six months long that they remain childless, you either don't know Catholics or are unaware of the failure rate of the rhythm method. There have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding like Catholics for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential population increase would obviously have a gain higher than the world population as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough new Santas to overcome the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier time of it now than he did when he first started out. Santa dead, indeed; some people will twist any statistic to "prove" their cynical theory.
Well?? Does he exist? You decide.
Santa On Trial In Canada
You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:
Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole
Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go
Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker's Compensation Boards
Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees
You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year
Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly
Failing to file a flight plan for your travels
Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises
Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year
Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up
And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver's or pilot's licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.
Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?
A Clause For Concern
Dear Santa:
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age.
Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry." Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion -- all things you may encounter this time of year.
The one bright note in Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:
OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and 63, 750 gallons of milk. Maybe it's time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out before you start an exercise regimen.
PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for can cers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.
STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotions hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter -- as evidenced by your trademark "Ho, ho, ho" -- is one of the best stress-busters going.
SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.
RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've noticed you're also receiving -- and answering -- e-mail on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle, [email protected]. We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.
DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.
FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that's good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.
MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.
MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?
SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.
VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and flu season, don't you?
SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure to cover the load.
JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.
SKYJACKERS: OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out there.
Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas. But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don't you?
Politically Correct Christmas Tips
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or
fake?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Live tree, planted after use.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Fake tree, discarded after use.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits.
CHRISTMAS REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May 31, adorned with furballs.
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Each bulb blinks to its own chosen rhythm.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Bulbs flash logo of tree's corporate sponsor.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Elegant flickering candles.
CHRISTMAS REALITY: Elegant smoldering cigarettes. Tree bursts into flames, burns house down.
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an
angel or a star?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Gender-neutral angel quashes submissive female stereotype.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Blond angel, kneeling, in Hooter's T-shirt.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Authentic angel swoops in from heaven, saves lives.
CHRISTMAS REALITY: Hell's Angel stops in for dinner, drinks beer.
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Do yo fling or hang tinsel?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Fling, empowering each strand with self-determining skills.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Hang them. Now.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti.
CHRISTMAS REALITY: Icicles hang next to actual strands of spaghetti.
RAGING CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts Christmas morning or Christmas
Eve?
POLITICALLY CORRECT SOLUTION: Gifts opened on individual schedules.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT SOLUTION: Do it Christmas Eve, so the giving is over in time to enjoy Rush Limbaugh's afternoon show.
CHRISTMAS IDEAL: "Mommy, Daddy, get up, it's Christmas!"
CHRISTMAS REALITY: "Mommy, Daddy, get up, it's Christmas!"
Politically Correct Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
The 12 Days Of Christmas (Windows Style)
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Windows 95 for my PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 sound cards silent
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC
And now, the long awaited follow-up:
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A Macintosh instead of a PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to...
Hey wait a minute, this thing works...
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